Finding God's Glory During Grief

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

People often question a loving God while suffering a loss of any kind. I know I did ... How could a loving God who could have healed my loved one, allow death to come? Some ndividuals may even question their faith during a deep season of grief. I did ... What I discovered during my own grief recovery, was that my relationship with my earthly father played a huge factor in my perception of my eternal father.

I grew up never really knowing my biological father - My parents divorced when I was an infant. My mother saved up enough money to move closer to her own family after the divorce and moved us all from Buffalo, New York to Dallas, Texas. My older sisters were deeply grieving their family, friends, schools, teachers, and home. My mother was also in deep grief as her marriage had ended in an affair, and my father had gotten his affair partner pregnant. I have a half sister that is 3 months younger than myself. So my early years of growing up in a house of grieving women began.

My biological father never called, sent any birthday cards, and just seemed to move on with his new family ... we were all fighting our own demons, as we took our own personal blame for the divorce as many children will do ... "If only I had been better, I should have not gotten bad grades, I could have helped around the house more and my parents wouldn't have fought so much." The list goes on as to how children seem to instictively take some sort of blame for divorce. They will carry that pain throughout their lives and we usually end up marrying someone who is like the parent we did not get the love, and emotional connection with as we deem this trait as some kind of normal.

My step-father came into the picture when I was about 4 years old. The same year I was diagnosed with grief. That diagnosis baffled my mother as nobody had died. The doctor was wise in his diagnosis after all the upper and lower GI test came back normal. I had been passed around to aunts, friends and eventually older siblings. My mom had placed me in a child daycare center and I didn't know how to play with other children my age. I was always leaving my classroom and finding the older kids to play with. It was very confusing to me at the time. There was no real treatment for grieving children back in 1967 and so the cure was to "Just give it time."

Time did what time is meant to do and it passed on ... All the while the raging, alcoholic step-father's abusive ways increased. Long story, short, I too ended up with an emotionally distant man for 33 years. The gas lighting, the name calling, and affairs all too familiar. We raised three daughters and once the last one left the nest, I knew I was done living like that. I decided to embark on my own inner healing when he would not attend marital counseling, and do the work. I needed something deeper and I was going to claw my way to healing if need be.

FATHER WOUNDS are deep within me, and I never expected the revelation I got that day when one of the Pastor's asked me to describe my earthly father in two words ... without hesitation I said, "That's easy ... Abusive & Abondoning." His reply to me was, "You realize that is how you see God?" I agreed with him and recalled the day God and I parted ways when I was 10 years old. My step-father had placed a gun in my mouth the night before, and lef the home with my mother. She returned alone, beaten to a pulp. Yet she allowed him to return to the home within a few weeks. I could not wrap my mind around her poor choices ... and the abuse continued.

Divorce is brutal to all involved. It hurts everyone deeply and on everyone has their own personal feelings about growing up without a father. Look at the world around us ... young boys seeking gangs for male bonding their own father's were not around to provide for them. Drug use is common to avoid the pain they carry, along with alcohol use. Suicide among young adults is growing more common as depression runs deep within a fatherless home. We are seeing the after math of a fatherless generation - young girls are desperate for the male affirmation she never recieved frowing up and ends up pregnant. The family curse seems to be passed on from one generation to the next. It's heart breaking to witness.

Young males walk into our schools and shoot innocent children ... most are fatherless. The world is full of broken homes ... broken homes with broken hearts that reveals a society of hurting people. Hurting people, hurt people. It's hard to place blame when you see their hearts, so full of desperation and needing to be heard, understood and accepted.

GRIEF IS SPIRITUAL WORK - I discoverd this once my eyes were opened to the fact that I saw God as an abusive and abondoning father. I recall my heart felt apology I made to him, and I literally saw a veil of some sort being ripped. I was in my early 40's, going through a divorce myself, empty nest, a daughter fighting a war in Iraq, one moving to Washington as her husband was also being transferred to Afghanistan to fight another political war. I needed desperately to believe in a "Higher Power" during this time. I left the home where I raised my children, my neighborhood friends, my 33 year marriage, and I had no idea where life would lead me.

I learned how to hear God's voice for the first time, as I would ask him to show me where he was when this all happened. I learned the power of forgiveness he spoke of and my heart began to soften with each offense I forgave. It was as if we were performing a beautiful exchange. I exchanged my bitterness, my pain, and anger and he would give me inner peace. My heart no longer hard, he began to show me how he would use all that grief, and make something new.

God is the ultimate healer of hearts. I can testify to that today. I had to own the fact that I walked away from him, but he never left me. He saw every tear, he heard every plea of my heart, and he revealed himself to a rotten sinner like me. I don't deserve this kind of love, but it is a free gift to anyone who will receive Christ. My life was forever changed. No, I am not religeous, nor a fan of religeous rituals - but I am in a relationship with him and the freedom he gave me saved my life.

I have been sensing for while now, that God is about to do something in our near future to reveal himself to the world. I pray we are ready for what he has planned. I sense he has had enough of the killings, the lies, the adultress ways, the idols we have placed before him. No, I don't believe the world is coming to an end ... Just that there will be no denying God is still in control as he reveals an array of lies by shining his light on the truth. It will be painful to witness, but know he is there for us.

Some very powerful people in this world have done some some horrific things. This is not God's plan for us, and when the truth comes, people will grieve deeply. Grief is sprital work. God is about to break the hearts of those who have broken his heart. He will do this lovingly, but it will still hurt as he prunes our hearts and allows us all to accept his reasons. He will give you spritual eyes to see, if you ask him. He will give you ears to hear, if you ask him. You will never see the world the same once you receive the spiritual gifts he has for you. We have not, because we ask not. So just ask him, he will give it to you.

If you are mad at God for whatever reason, as him to expose the reason you're angry. Ask him, "Where were you when that happened to me?" Be still ... be quiet ... and prepare to see and hear what he will say.

The world is about to experience a Great Awakening within a few months. It will get dark right before it happens. Hold the line ... Keep the faith ... Cast out all fear. God's Got You.

From my heart to yours ... Kim

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