This has been an interesting week to say the least. I am gearing up to lead a new group of individuals that are in the midst of some deep grief, and the recent pandemic has only added more intense pain to the losses of those attending. I pray, a LOT. I always ask God to please go before me, and call the ones who could truly benefit from Grief Recovery. He has never let me down when I ask this of him.
I'll be honest with you, and tell you that I have reached an age where "fitting in" with others, driving the lastest style vehicle, and hitting a bar of status in order to be accepted by others, means nothing to me. I have spent many moments reflecting over my life lately. I have done some things wrong, and like many, carry the regrets. Why do we, as human beings, tend to hold on to our wrong doings and beat ourselves up daily? Who knows, but I for one am guilty of doing this.
Last week, I was sitting on my patio, sipping coffee, and enjoying the fresh air, and listening to the sweet songs the birds we singing. I had to pause as a feeling of gratitude brought tears to my eyes. My heart spoke to God and said, "You are such a good Father. You've given us everything, including salvation and the ablility to spend eternity with you. It came at a high cost to you. How can you love so much? I want to love like that." I felt a strong sense of peace flow over me in that moment.
Suddenly, my mind was filled with a time line of losses that I had been healed from and how it effected me, then and now. (I'll spare the details of each event and skip to the place I know I received an array of healing.) An old, black mare I had in high school. Her name was Blackie and when I was with her, it was as if I didn't have a care in the world. I told her everything about my life. I spared no details. She had this uncanny way of reflecting back to me everything my heart opened up to her. No judgements, and no advise, and manipulating. She gave unconditional love, empathy and understanding. Little did I know the lessons she was gifting me personally. That was a long time ago and I will always cherish the healing she provided me, as well as the seed she planted in my dream box.
You see, I have always dreamed of having a place where people could come and receive the gifts that horses came to teach us. I recall one day, I was filled with anxiety, anger and uncertainty. I decided to ride my beautiful mare in the back pasture. There, we'd have 647 acres to run the emotions out of us. I neglected to realize that everything I was feeling, Blackie picked up on and was feeling it too. She took off running and at first, it was just the adreneline rush I needed. I saw a barbed wire fence up ahead, and began to pull back on the reigns. Nothing. She never slowed down and I began to panic at the thought of her running through the fence and both of us getting hit by one of the 18 wheelers that blasted up and down from the Gifford-Hill Plant. I removed my feet from the stirrups and was preparing to jump off her back. She apparently sensed there was danger ahead and came to a screeching halt. I didn't. I flew straight over her head and got the wind knocked out of me.
I thought she was going to take off running, leaving me there to walk back to the main lot. Yet, to my surprize, she just stood there. All lathered up from the run, her eyes were wide and her nostrils were flaring. "Good girl." I expressed to her once I caught my breath, and was able to stand up on my feet. I grabbed the reigns and placed them gently over her head, walked around and got right back up in that saddle. She was shaking, and I was shaking. We both stood there, dazed and confused as to what just took place. I gently patted her withers, gave her a good neck scratch, and gently pulled the reigns to turn us around in the right direction. I soon realized that she was mirroring my energy. Horses have the incredible way of knowing what we are feeling at any given time. Blackie didn't do anything wrong to cause me to fall that day. It was my energy that caused it. If you're an empath, and you're reading this, then you can relate to my mare.
My grief was reigning her that day. I have thought about that a lot over the years. How healing horses are, and the array of gifts, lessons and love they are here to offer. I wanted to be a horse when I was a little girl. I was also diagnosed with grief at the age of four. Throughout my life, I have come to see how all the pieces of each day we are gifted to be alive, God knows exactly how they will fit together. No coincidences with God. He knows the plan for our lives, and he has a purpose for the pain.
I still have my 2020 Vision Board that I look at each day. The pandemic seemingly came to steal the dream and vision, but God whispered, "It's just a set back. Trust me."
This is my 2020 Vision Board I made in December of 2019. Since then, I guess you could say that this pandemic has taught me to love myself. It has also taught me a lot about fear and how to attain being fearless. The lockdowns gave me the time I needed to reflect and know what I wanted. Can you see the horses in the lower left corner? Yeah, I want to reach a new generation and invest in their healing. The right hand side prepresents the places I would like to travel and expand how grief reigns and what it takes to heal. Maybe, if God's willing, I can travel and host Vision Board Workshops along with Grief Recovery.
I encourage you, if you're still reading, to grab the reigns of grief, and guide your horse towards the vision you'd like your life, and legacy to manifest. No, you're not too old, or too anything to create a new beginning. I am pushing 60 years young, and it feels as if I am right there on the horizon of making my wildest dreams come true. So, NO EXCUSES. I sense that God is opening up an array of possiblities and all we have to do is make a few choices. Don't allow grief to reign the rest of your life. God knows it took years from mine. Grab those reigns of grief, and heal from whatever is holding you back from your past. Get a vision for the rest of the days ahead and look at them every single day. Pray over the vision God placed in your heart. It's good, and it is all from our Creator. He wants to bless us, if we are willing to make a few exchanges, and then simply receive.
Part of my program is taking you through The Grief Recovery Method. You see, once you realize and have to tools, you'll see how much grief reigns your life. Once you complete the program, you take back the reigns and now YOU'RE in charge of guiding that beast! Can you even imagine having all that pain, shame, guilt, remorse, and vitimization gone from your life? Do you realize that alone is what creates the fear that keeps you from stepping into your purpose? It only take 7-8 weeks to complete the program, plus you can always attend an Alumni Group to complete any unfinished business.
TIP: If you don't take the reigns and deal with your grief, your grief will always take the reigns and deal with you.
Now, make a decision right now. What are you going to do with those grief reigns?
From my heart, to yours,
Kim Wolfe, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist
& Life Coach.